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If your ex-spouse is trying to change the children's religion and denying you court ordered access on religious holidays, you should seek legal help immediately. Your ex-spouse may be in violation of the divorce agreement or court order, and you may be able to get the agreement enforced or have the order changed. It is important to act quickly, as failing to do so may allow your ex-spouse to further indoctrinate the children in their new religion.

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I recently had a situation where my ex-wife refused to send the children to me to celebrate a religious holiday. We have a court order that explicitly stated that the children are to be with me and my family, this holiday occurs twice a year and dates change year to year. Despite giving her ample notice of the date of the holiday and multiple reminders, she continued to state that the holiday falls on her access time, and regardless of what the court orders state, she will not send the children.

Her reasons were as follows:

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  • Despite a court order that state in black and white the children are to be with me on this holiday, she stated that the religious holiday is an inconvenience for her as it lands on her long weekend access schedule. She recently changed her religion and has now taken the position that the old religion is bad and her new religion is better. While she expects the children to be sent to her on time and per schedule for Easter and Christmas, when it comes to my holidays, she is not concerned about compliance.
  • Despite a court order that explicitly states the children are to be raised in a manner that allows them to practice their religion. She does not allow the children to practice their religion when at her house. She will throw their religious books away, delete any religious educational apps, make disparaging remarks about the religion, take them to her place of worship, send them to her religious camps, wear her religious paraphernalia, etc.
  • She continues to state that when the children are at her house, despite being minors, they are old enough to decide what they want to do and which religion they want to practice. However, when they are at my house, they are not old enough and cannot decide what they want to do. In this case, she states they have decided they do not want to come nor practice the religion. However, when the children were at my house, they questioned why she will not allow them to come and why i can’t get them to come.
  • The court order is infringing on their human rights and Canada’s charter for religious freedom
  • I need to plan the religious holidays (which change every year), on my days and not hers. However, if any of her holidays fall on my days, i need to comply with the court order or she will call use her contacts at the local police station to get to me, use her mother’s and her own contacts at the local children’s aid to get to me or file with the courts.
  • She states that because they missed at first 2 Easters with her, and then revised it to say they missed 3 Easters with her. She will prevent them celebrating this holiday with me. However, when i provided facts that showed, with evidence, they did in fact spend all Easters and Christmas’s with her since the divorce, she refused to accept that.

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Where are you now: I find that every few months she gets into this unbalanced state where she will pick fights and challenge the court orders. I cannot tell if its mental illness, psychological issues or if she is being influenced by others. But there appears to be no cause for her erratic and irrational behaviour. Her position is that despite having the court orders be police enforceable and despite having the right to file a contempt charge, I will never call the police or file any contempt charge as i do not want to drag the children through the process. She continues to bully me, threaten me via texts, emails and verbal discussions, and reaches out to family members spreading falsehoods to try and influence me or isolate me.

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Where you want to be: Sometimes, getting into a fact based discussion with an irrational or mentally unbalanced person may not be the most appropriate thing to do. The more false allegations she raises, the more defensive i tend to become and as i push back with facts, it forces her to come up with more outrageous allegations.

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As a lesson for me and  you, in a case where your ex is violating the court orders, it is best to document the violation and retain a lawyer to avoid having this violation become the norm. If you do not demonstrate there are consequences, the behaviour will never change. And if you do not challenge the violation, you run the risk of the courts saying you don’t care.

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While the violation of a court order can seem to be a single point problem, this can lead to larger issues of multiple violations. I don’t know that there is a simple way to “fix” the larger problem. Typically, the law can only do so much to curb bad behavior. There is a difference between bad behavior (her messages to my family members) and violating the court order (not giving the children for my religious holiday). As for her frequent violations of the court order, you can ask for a police enforcement clause and to spell out the exact times that you would get the children. Next step would be to file a contempt motion for her refusal to provide the children for the holiday.

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Contempt motions can be tricky because they require the Order to be absolutely crystal clear and the other party  to have “intentionally” and “knowingly” violated the Order.

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Keep in mind that a court order is only good if you are willing to enforce it. If she keeps violating the court order and you do nothing, then nothing will happen to her and it is highly unlikely that she will change her behavior.

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If you bring a contempt motion, then she will at least know there are consequences to her actions. It may not happen right away but you need to let her know that when she does this, there are consequences. Right now, she does not believe there will be any consequences.

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